To think I used to blame everyone but, myself for my wrong doings.

When really I made those conscious decision.

Self inflicted nonsense. Sin. I in the middle and selfish desires on my left with nonexistent benefits to my right . Shamefully indulging non-stop. Sin. I know what I’m ought to do but I’m not ready each time I tell myself, I’m not ready to stand out, I’m not ready to be 100% with Christ but, funny enough every time I sin,every single time I sin every time I realise I have sinned, I feel worthless, useless, undeserving.

I stop running to catch my breath because the anxiety kicks in ,after the pleasure fades away. Lord forgive me I cry out I want to run again forgive me I know I’m undeserving yet, you paid the price in full, your  love is so great hence  I’m not consumed, your compassion never fails you take me back in. But, there’s always something that keeps pulling me from you and whenever I decide to lose focus I give in, I leave your presence I become further away from you. I just want to be as perfect as you Heavenly Father… one day I tell myself one day I will achieve the goal.

But,I keep missing the goal, my aim is weak because of setbacks ,insecurities and nerves.


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