If I’m being honest I knew one day I was going to share this but I wasn’t entirely ready I suppose. I thought about other stuff but when I asked God, this was what I had to share. As I put my thoughts on paper I’m anticipating what will be written.
I would say a handful of people know this but I had buried it so deep that God reminded me in October 2018 that when I was 8 I was molested in a way that wasn’t common. To spare you the distressing images painted with words, it was terrible.
I was at my cousins for the summer holidays and as children are we require supervision and we had a young lady who took care of us she was very lovely and caring too. Now, if there was anything we loved to do it was role play- so infatuated with being something else. From doctor to banker to teacher we did it all. Until one day the lady who took care of us exposed us to something else. We learnt the act by doing all sorts on each other, I believe she watched us.
As humans our bodies, specifically the flesh craves and desires to be pleased irrespective of age. So we enjoyed it and it was very very impactful on our minds. It occurred so often it became burdensome, I became weary and cried for help. However, God has given us a conscience and we know what’s right and what’s wrong so I knew it was wrong. I cried to my aunt in fear and we never saw the lady again. By now the damage was done, broken plates can never be used to serve wholesome food. So we continued and as we fed the beast it grew.
Overtime I buried this it was never dealt with and even if it was to be dealt with it had to be dealt with prayers. The doors to sexual gratification was opened and I had been exposed on how to please, intimacy had lost its sacredness. It was a tool to release and feel when numb. This became a vehicle that of course governed my actions in life, as time passed I became a servant to my flesh and sexual immorality was such a strong hold but I only saw the fruits the roots were buried too deep.
Post coming to Christ I had some mishaps but I didn’t understand what ignited this burning desire of lust. Until this faithful day God brought it to my memory, not to shame but rather for me to deal with. How do you let go of something you never knew you held on to.
Months went by and I didn’t know how to deal with the information that had been brought to surface. So I did what I did best and ignored it sometimes I had pray about it but the thought of it disgust me.
Then last year I broke down and I shared it all with a friend and honestly a weight was lifted but I hadn’t finished yet. The hard part or rather the challenging part of dealing with a situation isnt just moving on but it’s rising above. God told me I had not forgiven her, to be honest I was shocked because I thought I had moved on but he proceeded to say if I saw her I would be angry. Years of bondage was brought upon me because someone handed me the keys to a door that should never been opened, I was given a pen to sign a contract to when I could barely read or write, I was undermined and taken advantage of.
Yes the unimaginable, but in all honesty it wasn’t her fault she was used by the enemy and if she had know Jesus it wouldn’t be so. I can’t blame her, for the sins I committed God has forgiven me so why do I crown myself and judge her when she deserves to be free, for if God can forgive a chief sinner like me how much her?! I no longer have to live by those sins no more and that’s by the works that were done on the cross.
I probably still have a long way to go but my honest prayer is that she comes into the love of God and she lives a life for Christ, I don’t want to her to go to hell because that wouldn’t bring me satisfaction rather I would want her to enter into the riches of Christ and know that she has indeed won the battle over the enemy through Christ.
Be it sexual harassment, the unimaginable and anything in between it comes a time where moving on isn’t enough but rising above by forgiving is what is needed. I don’t deserve the goodness of God more than anyone else does.
So if I could go back in time I believe in saving my younger self God would desire me to save the woman too. For love doesn’t discriminate and we can point fingers all days with stones in our hands but he who is without sin should cast the first stone. Forgiveness is true freedom and being able to think of the person without associating the hurt with them.
For years I had an issue with nannies or child carers but truly that fear was from a place of obscurity, as when those insecurities arose to the surface I knew this was indeed a childhood nightmare and to wake up would require me confronting it, the way of God!
In sharing this I hope that you can also stand above that which has tried to define you by keeping you in bondage. Jesus can heal and repair whatever and whoever has been broken.
No point in blaming God for the things that have happened for we live in a fallen world were iniquity is bound but in that, the grace of God abounds much more and if that’s not enough, it is there for anyone who desires it.
I know this is a bit of a bomb to drop in starting the new year, however in starting with new year new me we should be bold enough to confront our past so we can therefore be new creatures for old things have indeed passed away as Christ has given us a new life in him.
Yes, happy new year and in 2021 May we rise not from leaven but on Christ our Rock.
God bless you!